Wednesday, October 7, 2015

A Leaked Call to the "Barbaric Cultural Practices" Tip Line

I have been a steadfast critic of the Harper Government but, after reading this transcript of  a call to the Barbaric Cultural Practices Tip Line,  I have seen seen the light and switching my vote to the Conservatives.  Here is the call in its entirety:
Snitch-Line Supervisor: Hello.  Barbaric Cultural Practices Tip Line. How may I help you? 
Really Apprehensive Tattletale: I have called to make a report on my neighbours. 
SS: Go on. 
RAT:  They seem determined to not fit in to mainstream Canadian society. 
SS: How so? 
RAT: They have lived here for decades and still speak such heavily accented English that I can barely understand them.  As a matter of fact, they appear to be determined to continue speaking like this. 
SS:  Interesting. 
RAT: And they primarily hang out with others from their homeland.  You should hear it when they get together.  They play the most obnoxious music, if you can call it that.  I tried to drown them out with my Best of Nickelback Collection but it even cut through that. 
SS: Hmmm. 
RAT: I have tried to help them assimilate but they are so stubborn in clinging to the cultural practices they grew up with.  For example, we had them over for a barbeque to introduce them to burgers and O'Keefe Old Stock but when they had us over they served us a meal made up of animal entrails. 
SS: You poor thing.  That sounds horrible. 
RAT: And they kept going on about the proud history of their nation.  But all I could make out going on about through the accents were stories about rebellion and fighting.  When they told me that they were descended from a guerilla leader I would have thrown up if I hadn't hid my dinner in my napkin. 
(Stifled sob) 
SS: Take a minute.  This must have been hard for you. 
RAT: I have been so worried I have barely been able to sleep since I discovered they came from a place with such a violent history.  They keep going on about being unwilling to live under an oppressive ruler. 
SS: Oh my.  We will definitely add them to all of the enemy lists. 
RAT: But the clothing is the final straw.  They even insisted on wearing their traditional clothing to the sacrament of the citizenship ceremony. 
SS: We can't have that. 
RAT: Defintely not.  One insisted on being covered with a scrap of fabric.  And spouted  off about coming to Canada because for freedom and opportunity.  That while they are proud to become Canadian, they want to maintain ties to their past. Why, part of this so-called traditional clothing included a dagger!  They claim it is ceremonial but I have my doubts.
SS:  Don't worry.  Dear Leader will put a stop to that. 
RAT: I knew he would protect me from these ungrateful savages. 
SS:  Do they have any children? 
RAT: Yes.  A boy and a girl.  My kids say they seem normal enough but they have been indoctrinated into the habits of their parents.  Especially after they have been back "home". 
SS:  One last thing for the record.  We need to know where to deport them after we strip these barbarians of their citizenship.  Where are these ingrates from?  The Middle East? 
RAT:  Worse.  Scotland.

I have been living in fear and didn't even know it.  Only a Tested Leader like Stephen Harper can keep us safe from people like these.

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rumleyfips said...

I don't watch hockey. Should I be worried

Pamela Mac Neil said...

That was hilarious. Thanks for making my day!

Scotian said...

While I saw where you were headed very quickly with it, that still did not detract one whit from neither my enjoyment of it nor the validity of the point you were making! Well done, especially since it was my heritage/ancestry you were using to make this mockery of, because I had had some snarky thoughts along these lines too when I heard about the tip line, but nothing anywhere near as developed as what you offered here.

Thanks for giving me a laugh to start my day with, something this election in the past few weeks has not been doing (the xenophobia pandering is something I have a real hard time with).

Constant Vigilance said...

Thanks guys. Since my parents are/were from Scotland, it was an easy and natural way to point out how twiested the Harper ploy is.

I am all for inclusiveness but, hey, rumleyflips. You don't watch hocky. There are limits.